Hey there WordPress! Long time no see.
SO long, in fact, that I had to reset both my username AND my password. Clearly, a strong memory isn’t one of my good Adulting Skills™.
I had good intentions, too. The last post I made on here was a vegan adaptation of my mom’s divinity recipe. I had plans to follow it up with a veganized peanut butter roll recipe and a fudge recipe. Which, would have been amazing, as the divinity post has been the best performing post I’ve ever had! WordPress tells me it’s been viewed over 7,000 times. (Which firmly reinforces my belief that vegans have the BEST junk food ever. Hello, sweet tooth!)
But sometimes, good intentions aren’t good enough. Until today, I had about ten drafts in my draft folder. Partially written, drabbles of posts. A few of them involving people who aren’t in my life anymore — not by my choice. There are a few more blog posts that have been rattling in my head, as well. Recipes, stories, reviews of the video game series I never finished…
In fact – this very blog post is one of them. I’ve written and rewritten it in my head about 7 times. At least. (One incarnation even had a cool amusement park ride story woven in. Comparing life to a ride that ended up much more intense than initially thought. Oh, it was cool too. Sorry it didn’t end up getting written that way. You’ll just have to trust me.)
At first, I was putting off blogging because I had nothing to write about. Then, Post Disney Depression hit- hard. That trip report never stood a chance. After that, I got discouraged that a set of friendships I had — that I had also started a blog about — had ended. Pretty dramatically. And who wants to write about a fun happy weekend, when you no longer talk to anyone involved in it? Can you say depressing? (Note: This does have a happy ending. I reconnected with some people who actually cared about me, and we waded through the BS. )
So, I kept skirting around it. I like blogging. It sometimes helps me sort myself out. But I didn’t have anything to write about. I had nothing people wanted to read. I couldn’t finish a fun filled blog about people I didn’t talk to anymore. I don’t write recipes – I bookmark other people’s recipes. I’m not a writer, I’m a reader. Blah, blah, blah.
Really, I was in a funk. I still don’t know if I’d flat out call it depression –but it definitely wasn’t far off. But, it could have been just situational depressional funkiness, and not the clinical depression. I don’t have a clue. I dragged my feet on video games, I didn’t jump into a book for an amount of time I’m honestly ashamed to admit. But it wasn’t -that- bad.
And then, well; to put it politely… Shit hit the fan.
The last bit of last year, and the beginning of this year, was not good. Aside from the times where my parent’s health was concerned, this was probably one of the worst times of my life. I didn’t want to do anything. I’m still working on getting over that, by the way. There’s a nice stack of pretty blank Thank You cards I’ve been meaning to send out from my birthday. In January. I lived in pajamas for longer than any human should. I cried more than I can remember. I watched 6 hours of Supernatural while laying on the living room floor, only getting up for the essentials. (Bathroom and kitty breaks.) I quit actively talking to a good chunk of people — because you KNOW as soon as you ask how someone is… they return the question. And then, you have to lie. Because few people really even want to know, and fewer still, you actually feel comfortable telling. So its easier to just not, and bypass the awkward social protocol dance.
It doesn’t really matter what – or what combination of things- happened. No one is sick, no jobs were lost, no one is getting divorced, no one died, and all the fuzzy (evil) fur babies are okay. But things were rough for a while, and I didn’t want to do much. And that’s really, really difficult for me to type out. It makes it real, I guess. But at the same time, it’s cathartic.
But things are better now. and I’ve had some really good realizations about things in my life. Things now, things from back in high school… even some things I should have learned long ago. Some of it has literally no bearing on my life now, except to help understand things I went through as a teenager.
I think I want to blog more. Not to get noticed, not to go viral, and certainly not to be all angsty and cryptic, ala Xanga… but because I enjoy it. Also, because it helps me work through things. Also, because everything gets lost on Facebook nowadays anyway. If it’s not a soonsored post, or a picture with a million comments or reshares – it gets lost in the jumble. Over here, I have my own tiny piece of the internet to write whatever I like.
I’m in a pretty good place now. I have a small group of friends and family that pretty much kept me from going off the deep end lately, and I’m exceedingly grateful for that. I’m even back to wearing “real people clothes” and makeup some days. I’m working out again, back to attempting video games (and will eventually beat Zelda. It’s a grudge match now…) and have resumed devouring books. ( And podcasts! God help me, I’m addicted to the creepy fictional podcasts and the wonderful fictional characters. . . )
I don’t know what all I’ll write about. I still want to share the candy recipes – because; well. . . candy. I kinda feel like that’s a no brainer. So soon – vegan fudge and peanut butter rolls. 🙂 And maybe a few more serious or thoughtful notes. Or more ludicrous stories like the one about the wonderful karma of the WalMart parking lot that one day. Lord knows enough weirdness happens in my life. Why not write about it?
And for that, I’ll need to do some housekeeping and clear some of the cobwebs out of this WordPress site. The tags are all sorts of fast and loose, and lets not even bring up the theme…
But for now? I’m going to put those awesome Adulting Skills™ we discussed earlier to work. And I’m going to clean the kitchen. Then watch more Disney Channel. Like a good adult. 😉